Growing up it is strongly embedded in our minds that our purpose as humans is reproduction. Starting from the fairy tales, the woman is always expecting her prince charming to come and rescue her.
A few years ago, I came across the fairy tale “Sleeping beauty” one day. While I was reading through it, I couldn’t help it – I felt like a huge bell was ringing into my head driving me crazy… What the f*? What are we teaching our kids? The princess and ALL THE PEOPLE in the Castle were asleep after a spell and they all came back to life after the prince kissed the princess … WOW !!
How many girls are growing up believing that this magical and amazing person will come and bring joy to their life as well as everybody else’s life around them (and what a burden for a man, huh?). We learn that we are incomplete until we find our “other half”.
So, we rush to find another half (any half) so we can be whole. Just as it is expected. We rush to marry, to have children, build a house, buy a car and have a good-safe job.
So why aren’t we happy?
It doesn’t take long to notice if you look around, the misery in many (or should I say most) of the couples today. They have it all – house, car, kids, dog, good job – all ticked in their TODO list but there is something missing. JOY.
Believing that we must become “whole” (whatever that means, as if we are not born perfect) we are forgetting to ask WHAT DO I REALLY WANT IN MY LIFE.
- Maybe I do not want to get married.
- Maybe I want to travel the world.
- Maybe I want to wait until I find the one that will make my soul sing.
- Maybe – just maybe.
Instead of answering this question, we blindly try to fulfill somebody else’s expectations (parents, society, religion and so on) and then we feel like a huge failure as we have done everything as expected but JOY is nowhere.
I often meet women (and men sometimes) who feel trapped in their marriage. Through our coaching sessions they realise that they were never in love with their “other half” – they just got married because this was the "normal evolvement" of their relationship.
I remember specifically a young lady, around her thirties, that, when asked why they got married she replied
“I thought that after 3 years in a relationship that was the thing to do. I hadn’t even lived with him in the same house before we got married” and as she continued “It didn’t take me long to realise that we were not made for each other but our first kid was on its way”.
What makes me have a “yucky” feeling is the selective blindness of the people around a person who is suffering in their wedding. So many people are in destructing marriage situations but have no one to give them a helping hand to get out of there. The same people that were promoting the marriage (… the wellbeing of the person) are now pretending to be lacking basic senses like seeing and hearing the person in pain. They tell you to be patient, things will “one-day” change or they rationalise by telling you that “this is how weddings are”.
In order to keep the “pretty picture” alive, you are asked to sacrifice your chance to live happily on this earth.
It is very sad to know that so many previous generations took their misery and silenced pain of their marriages to their graves.
I must admit that I see a specific pattern repeating in unhealthy marriages. The person who is less willing to learn and grow (usually the man … sorry guys) is pointing the finger to the other one, blaming them for anything that might "go wrong" with the kids, the house and so on.
Many women in their coaching sessions tell me that they are accused by their husbands that they have emotional issues, just because they ask to be acknowledged and cared for. Pretty sad huh? (In case you are in such a position do not worry – you are not crazy – trust yourself).
And just before I go, I want to mention one last thing. If you are asking
“Will my decision to get a divorce affect negatively my children?”
Let me answer!
Your children are brought to this world to experience joy and celebrate life (just like you)! By staying in a marriage that is making you (and therefore your children) miserable, scared or anxious you are teaching them that their life is worth sacrificing (for any reason).
- Why not teach them that our life is a precious gift that is worth fighting for?
- Why not teach them that happiness is what we should go after and not just the creation of a “pretty picture”?
- Why not teach them that if something is “killing” us we should distance ourselves?
Your children will be fine as long as you take complete responsibility for your decision to get a divorce and have a clear reason to do it … TO PURSUE HAPPINESS. If you are happy, your children will be too.
Of course, I am not suggesting that everybody should get a divorce or never get married, just sharing with you some food for thought here.
After two marriages and two divorces, I still believe strongly in love. I believe that there are “good men” and “good women” that could be happy together as long as they consciously choose each other.
There is no END until you say so. This is your life. It is your only chance to cherish this magnificent gift.
Are you embracing it?